Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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