I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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