WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
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