I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize