he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
