My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
