I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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