the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
