He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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