walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
