Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
