I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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