I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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