woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Randomize
