i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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