My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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