I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Send help, water and tortillas.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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