What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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