I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
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