Umm I'm too high to move.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize