Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
He passed out mid-signature
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
