At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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