I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
