We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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