I want to make a zoo with you.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
