I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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