I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
