do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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