I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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