this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
