just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
