True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
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