1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
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