Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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