....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
