I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
