Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize