what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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