I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Well I just put wine in my tea
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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