So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
