There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
