So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
