My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
if only i could text you this smell
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
