dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize