I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize