we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
