Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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