Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
