I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
