Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
