I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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