I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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